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Kindness Keeps Marriages Together

Today we are talking about marriage. Neither Barbara nor I are mental health care professionals, so please don't take this episode as professional advice. If you are having marriage problems or considering getting married, please seek counseling from a qualified professional. These are just our experiences and what I've learned from research.

If you are a long-term listener to this show, you know that one of the six pillars to a great retirement lifestyle is your relationship with your significant other, if you have one.

But this is not an easy thing in the United States. Here, we have been taught that marriage is something that should be entered into for life and that divorce is almost always a bad thing. But most marriages here fail. And when they do, it's usually because one or both partners were too selfish to care about their partner's needs.

And so, what can we do? How can we make our relationships better? What can we do to keep them together?

In this episode, I will share a few secrets about relationships.  If you are not married, you can use this information with your friendships so keep listening!

We'll be talking about the following:

  • Be flexible – things don't always go as planned.
  • Have Adventures with each other.
  • Take time for yourself too.
  • Be kind!

Be flexible – things don't always go as planned.

If you listened to the last episode we released, you found out that things don't always go as planned.  Barbara and her husband purchased a beautiful, brand new motor home, and were ready to go on a dream trip. If you haven't listened to that episode, go back and listen.  Although it's not Barbara's voice you'll hear, it is her words.  We used a computer voice so that we could get the episode out to you because Barbara and I have both been busy.

And I'd like to apologize to the listeners for not getting this episode out earlier.  We had a few people reach out to us to determine if we were OK.  Yes, we are.  Barbara's been traveling, and I wasn't really ready to do solo episodes in the interim.  So we went dark.  Because this is an independent show with no advertisers, we were able to do that and come back.

But I'm sorry I didn't send an email or anything to let you know what was going on.  We'll try to do better next time.

This really ties into the first segment.  Things don't always go as planned. When you are retired or preparing for retirement, you need to be flexible.

Flexibility is something I'm working on.  It's very difficult for me to change midstream.  This is especially true if I'm trying to learn how to do something.   I think I got a bit of a bad reputation in my synchronized swimming because of that.  The choreographers have to make adjustments to the routines so that every swimmer can shine in the show.  After all, we are not spring chickens, and we are not competing in the Olympics.  Every one of our synchronized swimmers has a life outside of swimming.

Last year, our routine got changed several times, not only to accommodate our team members but also because we lost two of our swimmers due to Health Issues.  We also had a replacement because one of our swimmers decided she'd rather do a different activity.  Luckily, we could replace that swimmer, but our team kept getting smaller.

Every time our routine was changed, I would snort.  I thought I was being funny, but now I realize I was causing a lot of stress to the choreographers.  I learned a lot about being flexible and how that doesn't just affect me but also affects people around me.  So it's something I'm working on under the subject of friendships AND significant others.

Of course, I have a lot of work to do before being considered flexible.  And I'll have to do a lot to rid myself of that inflexible reputation.

Let's hear what Barbara has to say about it.

Barbara:  “Well, I would call this, when things don't go as planned. Because when you have a planned trip, you have dates and times of where you need to be. And
when everything falls apart, you have to start canceling plans. And one thing I learned is RV resorts don't cancel plans for bad weather. And we were in bad weather, we were snow, we
were rain, everything was crazy. So I didn't know if we could get any of our money back. But we had a nine-day trip planned down the Oregon and California coast. So we got to Arizona.”

“But when I called them and truthfully told them our story that we had a brand new 2022 That wouldn't start, the sympathy was amazing. And with one exception, we got our refunds. And so I can't say enough about how kind people were. But when things don't go as planned, then you're winging it. And lots of people are very comfortable with that. I'm not I want to know where I'm sleeping, where I'm plugged in to where I'm hooking up, and I do exhaustive research. But at the point that it finally got started, it was go time. And we were two weeks
beyond what we'd already paid for in Arizona. And okay, it's just money, but it still felt wrong that we've paid for this, and we're not there enjoying that.”

“So, we just did a beat feet. Just start driving. One thing I've learned from lots and lots of people is that three to four hours of driving is a good, it's a good number. Get up in the morning, have your breakfast drive, have your lunch, and go check-in, you know, one or two. Well, we wanted to get there. And so we drove a lot of 5-6-7 hour days. And then you don't have anywhere to sleep because you don't know where you are.”

Kathe: “But there is one good thing about having an RV and you're driving five hours. You have a bathroom. Right?”

Barbara:  “Amen, sister. And so, and I'm about to go as far as my husband can. So I know, he'd go on fine. I'm like I'm not . So yeah, having a bathroom, but also having a place to make a sandwich. Or to be able to get up and get him some chips or a drink or a cup of tea or something. And you know, it's fully functional. With or without power, you have a generator and everything and so, so that was good.

But I have to say that there's a whole world out there of Walmart and Cracker Barrels, and let you stay there. And so, while it wasn't the most restful night, because they're usually by a major highway or an airport or something like that. You can do it; you can do it. I think that was early on him driving and, you know, getting in and out of parking lots and whatever was really white knuckle for us, because we're towing a jeep. But the more he drove, the better he got at it, you know. And so, one learning I have with an RV is when things don't go as planned and you don't have anywhere to go, you're gonna be okay; you can pull over just about anywhere. And as long as you feel safe, you know, geographically safe, and there's room to put your slides out, you can go to bed, get up the next morning and head-on. So you can cover a lot more territory, more distance than I had imagined. And we really kind of let it go.  We had in our mind what, we were going to see and what we were going to do. And at this point, it's like okay, just Get there.”

Have adventures with each other 

The next episode of the Rock Your Retirement Show will go over Barbara's latest  Adventure.  In this adventure, she and her husband helped build a house in a few days.  They went to Mexico with their small church fellowship group and built a house.

I'm not going to tell you the entire story; I'll let Barbara do that in the next episode.  But I can tell you that adventures can strengthen a marriage.

How can adventures strengthen a marriage?

Well, they give both partners opportunities to grow together. You see, when you're married, your partner becomes part of your identity. And when you're retired, you become more of yourself. That means you have new interests and new hobbies. Adventures allow you to explore those interests and hobbies.

They help you get to know each other better. They also give you a chance to spend quality time together.

And finally, adventures help you stay connected. If you're still doing things together after you retire, then you won't feel like you've forgotten who you are.

These can be big adventures or small adventures.  If you are a long-term listener of the show, you may remember Fritz Gilbert from episodes 198 and 225.  Fritz and his wife created the “Wednesday Jar”.  This was where they wrote one thing down on a piece of paper that they could do for their Wednesday adventures.  They filled the jar up with hundreds of these “one things”.

Then each Wednesday, they would draw something from the jar, and they would go do it.  This way they got to do some fun things together, some that she wanted to do, and some that he wanted to do, and it was always something different, so they never got bored.

So, if you want to keep your marriage strong, start planning some adventures.

Take time for Yourself!

Over the last year, I've started doing things on my own more.  Prior to that, Les and I always did things as a couple.  But now, I'm getting more involved in some of the activities in my 55 and older community.

For example, Synchronized Swimming.  You've already heard about that.  But this activity takes at least six hours of my time every week.

Then there is the Art Club.  I've been elected to the Board of Directors.  And I recently volunteered to chair one of our committees that I'm passionate about.  So this activity is just for me.

I'm also exercising almost every day in the pool, including Synchronized Swimming. I used to try to get my husband to come with me, but he really doesn't like it.  So I do this on my own, and he exercises with dumbbells at home or he does something else.

But what I love most about being active on my own is the friendships I make. I meet people who share similar passions and interests. It's great to talk to them about how we can all work together.

This kind of friendship is very important because research shows that loneliness is one of the biggest threats to retirement happiness.

If you don't have friends, it's much harder to enjoy life. So, take time to build relationships with people who share your interests.  You can do things without your spouse.  It gives you both time to create things to talk about with each other later.

Barbara:  A new friend at my back door, said, you know, I gotta tell you something. If you're bored here, there is something seriously wrong with you. Because there are so many clubs, so many opportunities to connect. And especially if you're in the pet section, you're going to meet people. But what she did say is, I'm a firm believer in time and space, or space and time. It's not good for you to be with your husband all the time. So you need to have some space, and you need to have time away from him. And at this point, I had been with him
constantly. And so she goes, that's what I love about golf. He goes away for five or six hours, and I can do whatever I want.

And it gives your spouse time away to recharge as well.

Be kind to your spouse!

According to Ty Tashiro, in his book, The Science of Happily Ever After, most marriages fail.  He states that only three in ten marriages remain healthy and happy, and the rest wind up either in divorce or dysfunction.

Divorce rates started climbing in the 1970s, which prompted social scientists to study marriage.

In 1986, psychologists John Gottman and Robert Levenson set up a “Love Lab” to begin a study of married couples.  They hooked the couples up to electrodes and studied how newlyweds interacted with each other.

They asked the couples to talk about their relationship, including details about a positive memory they had, a major conflict they were facing, and how they met.

As they spoke, the electrodes were measuring them.  They were measuring their heart rates, their blood flow, and how much they were sweating.

Then the couples went home, and Gottman followed up with them six years later to see if they were still married.

He found two types of couples, the masters and the disasters.

The masters were still married six years later.  These couples had the habit of complimenting their spouses and acknowledging their spouses in kind ways.

The disasters, on the other hand, seemed to find ways to criticize each other.  In their initial interviews, they looked calm.  But the electrodes told a different story.  Their blood flow was fast, their heart rates were quick, and they were sweating.

These couples showed signs of being in “fight or flight mode,” as if they were constantly prepared to be verbally attacked or go on the offense with their spouse.

It's not surprising that these “disaster couples” had either divorced or had troubled marriages when Gottman followed up with them six years later.

Gottman's takeaway was that having a good marriage boils down to kindness.  Do the individuals in the relationship bring kindness and generosity to the relationship, or do they bring hostility, contempt, and criticism?

When Les and I first married, we became friends with another couple.  This couple had some similarities to us, which made it easy to become friends. The husband was significantly older than his wife. They didn't have children. This couple was fun to be around.

But over time, Les and I stopped spending so much time with them.  The issue that I had was that the wife was constantly belittling her husband when we were alone or with other women. She didn't do it in front of him, but when I asked her about it, she said that she was just blowing off steam, I figured that I didn't want to be around such negativity since the other women in the group would also air complaints about their husbands too.

I don't really keep in touch with them, but I do know that there have been some divorces inside that social circle.

I think that the reason Barbara has such a strong marriage is because of the kindness they show to each other.  Even in times of stress:

Barbara:  And one of the things that I had to take away is that in any marriage, you're going to go through hard times, right? It's just a part of life. And we, we didn't turn on each other, which surprised me a little bit. Because you know, when things go wrong blaming can happen. Why did we do this, but for whatever reason we were it was like these circumstances, the weather, the situation was against us. So we actually kind of pulled together.

Now my husband's a repairman. He's a fixer. And I'm a project manager planner. And all of that was blown out of the water because he doesn't know how to fix a Freightliner chassis. That's not running, right. He, but he's still trying to problem solve. So, hours and hours and hours of talking about, what about this? What about this? It was mind-numbing. And me, I'm going oh, well, we haven't left yet. Oh, I better cancel. And so everything we'd spent months planning unraveled. I think the pandemic prepared me for that, though, right. It's like, okay, get your hopes up. And they're dashed again. But it wasn't because of the pandemic, it was because the thing wouldn't start.

And so one of the things my takeaway is, if you resolve to be kind to people together, it's hard. There were days when I wanted to take someone's head off, there were days where I just wanted to scream and cry and throw a tantrum. But on those days, he was always the one saying, wait a second. Let's be humble. We have a roof over our heads. We're not suffering. We've been studying Ephesians. And Paul in prison, and he goes, this is pretty cushy. Here. We have a great bath, and we have all the stuff we need.

And so the same happened with him when he gets frustrated go, you know, let's take the high road. Let's not do that. But we definitely realized how outside people could affect us because everyone wanted to help. But a lot of people were sending US Attorneys names. Lemon Law, you know, rip up a new one take the motorhome back.

And we realized that when next time our friends are in that situation, we're not going to do that. It's not helpful, because now you're defending your decisions. And to be honest, I was a little embarrassed Cathy, here, we bought this. Hundreds of 1000s of dollars beautiful, it's a beautiful motorhome. And I went dark I went silent. email, social media media, because it's like, really, you're complaining because it won't run.

And so my takeaway on enduring when things fall apart is to remind yourself that everything is fixable. Everything's repairable, nothing's permanent. And it to be honest with you got us to be familiar with our motorhome, because we picked it up and got in it. And now you're living in it without power, without water, without sewer.

And you really have to be thoughtful and mindful about how all these systems work or
don't work. So the home itself was fine. But my takeaway was in life, in retirement in an RV, things are gonna go wrong. And how you treat your spouse and how you treat each other is
going to, it's going to show any weaknesses in your relationship.

But it's also going to strengthen you. And so I would never wish it on anyone. But in hindsight, it was a good way for
us to start out.

Conclusion

So, listener, I hope this episode will help you with your own relationships.  Also, don't forget to listen to the next show where Barbara talks about her adventure with her husband in building a house!

And if you haven't joined our mailing list yet, just send us an email at [email protected], and we'll add you.  You can also go to the website RockYourRetirement.com and fill out the form.

Also, if you haven't already, please join the Rock Your Retirement Community!  I'm looking forward to hearing what you have to say about how to Rock Your Retirement!!

 

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Retirement journey updates with Kathe and Barbara

This episode is a bit different. You will get two updates. One will be an update about my life and another update on what is going on in Barbara’s world. Only it won’t be Barbara’s voice you hear. It will be an automated voice that is reading her journal.

Although I’m still working, I have cut way back on my hours. I am focusing more on activities outside of work. I am currently practicing for an upcoming synchronized swimming show which I am actually quite nervous about.Retirement journey update with Kathe Kline and Barbara Mock

We also have an update on Barbara Mock’s retirement adventures. Barbara kept a journal about their first major trip in her and her husband’s brand-new Recreational Vehicle.  You won’t want to miss what happened!

Lastly, if you know of someone who is retiring soon, within the next 12 months, we are looking for a new addition to the show.  Our goal is to follow different retirees from about 6 months prior to retirement to about 6 months after retirement.  If you know someone who might be interested in this project, please have that person contact me at [email protected] so we can discuss it.

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End of 2021 with Barbara Mock’s Retirement Journey

I hope the listeners had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday. We were able to enjoy a Friendsgiving and you’ll get to hear all about Barbara’s full house. In fact, she’s still finding bits of Thanksgiving activities all over her house!

Barbara also updates us on her latest RV trip and her first-time digging clams. She and her daughter went on a much-needed mother-daughter trip and had their colors done, which has caused each of them to revamp their wardrobes. They had a great experience with Nicole in Baylor, just north of Seattle. Her contact information is [email protected] and her Instagram is houseofcolour_ballard.

That trip ended with a pretty shocking phone call from Barbara’s husband, which has added even more excitement to their RV life!

Retirement Lifestyle in 2021

Barbara got introduced to Trusted House Sitters, a great service for anyone who might be leaving their home and any pets for an extended length of time. You can get a discount if you use my link! rockyourretirement.com/THS

Lastly, Barbara checks in with her own aspirations and goals she set in 2021 and leaves us with some parting advice.

We hope you enjoy the latest episode of Rock Your Retirement!

Websites Mentioned in this Episode:

Over the Moon Cafe in Tacoma, WA – https://overthemooncafe.net
Chihuly Museum of Glass – https://www.museumofglass.org
Dick's Drive-in – Seattle – https://www.ddir.com
This post of Retirement and Retirement Lifestyle first appeared on http://RockYourRetirement.com

Barbara’s RV Retirement Adventure Part 2

We’re back with another update from Barbara’s RV retirement adventure! And boy, has it proven to be adventurous! Barbara is going to tell us about the ups and downs of their most recent travels. From watching sunsets on the beach to sweating through heavy traffic in their big rig, she and her husband already have quite a bit of experience under their belts.

Barbara teaches us why traveling in and owning an RV is a lot like retirement – until you’re in the thick of it, you don’t really know what it’s going to be like. You may have to make some changes and try some new things, but in the end, it’s bound to work out.

For those of you thinking about trying out the RV life, Barbara has some beginner tips and tricks.Retirement Lifestyle in an RV

  • Really understand the differences in RVs and know what you’re paying for in a more or less expensive rig.
  • Everyone on board should know how to handle the working parts – water and electric hookups included.
  • On your first few trips, keep a list of things you need (or don’t need) for the next trip.
  • If you see someone setting up camp for the first time, don’t try to help unless they ask – it’s an unwritten RV rule.

And lastly…

  • When you’re on the move, make sure everything is bolted down!

Even with all the lessons along the way, Barbara and her husband have already experienced so many memorable moments with their family and friends – moments that without an RV, she would never have had.

In Kathe’s world, things are BUSY! She is right in the middle of the craziest time of year for Medicare – the Annual Election Period. That means that for now, she’s living vicariously through Barbara – as a lot of us probably are!

We hope you enjoy the latest episode of Rock Your Retirement!

This post of Retirement and Retirement Lifestyle first appeared on http://RockYourRetirement.com

The RV

In this episode, we’re giving you an update on the exciting things that are happening in Barbara’s life. She has had a busy month and she’s about to embark on a journey that I think many of you will be interested in following – life in an RV!

We’ll dig into the work she and her husband have been doing to prepare for this new adventure and also give you a little insider knowledge about a well-kept secret – the Jeep wave.

During this exciting time of life, Barbara also had some tough things happen. She lost a young family member unexpectedly – a mother whose kids are now left to face life without their mom. In addition to that, her niece, who has been adamantly anti-vax, came down with a terrifying case of COVID pneumonia. She nearly lost her life but is now on the road to recovery. The silver lining is that all of her anti-vax friends witnessed the toll COVID takes on people, and they are now getting vaccinated. It was an unfortunate situation, but we’ve got to keep looking for the silver lining.

Both of these incidents led Barbara and her husband to do some serious thinking about life and how they want to spend the time they’ve got left. After much discussion, they are now the proud owners of a motorhome!

Barbara found out quickly that buying a motorhome wasn’t easy, nor was finding somewhere to park it! With everything so backed up from the pandemic, they had a hard time finding an RV to purchase. After tons of research and some test drives, they finally found the one.

Next, it was time to plan their travels. With winter quickly approaching, there are a lot of people heading south. Barbara found that many of the places they wanted to book were taken, so they won’t be able to head about until December 27th. Still, she’s got lots to do before then. Right now, she’s busy setting up their new “home” with all the furnishings. As it turns out, purchasing the RV is just the beginning of the expenses!

We end our episode with a trip Barbara recently took to Target. She met an employee there who reinforced what Barbara already knows – that she (and I) are both very lucky to be living the life we’re living.

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Finding our Purpose in Life- Episode 252

Finding Purpose in RetirementFinding our Purpose in Life

For this episode, I will give you an update on my retirement quest, we have a health segment on Pickleball, and Barbara will give an update on how her actual retirement is going.

Six Pillars of Retirement Lifestyle

Since the last episode, I've been working on my own six pillars of retirement lifestyle.

Significant Other– Les and I took an impromptu day trip the other day. We're trying to avoid just staying at home and watching TV. Our relationship is strong. But we're both struggling right now with our lack of social activities.

Friendship-Over the last month, I've been making an effort to solidify some of the relationships that I formed over the last few years since I've moved here. In a fifty-five-plus community with a lot of clubs, it's easy to make a lot of acquaintances. But there's a difference between being friendly with someone and actually being friends with someone.

Family– On the family side I've had a disappointment. My estranged brother recently informed us that he won't be attending my father's memorial service that he helped plan last year. I’m really disappointed that my brother's not coming, although honestly, I kind of knew he wouldn't. You know, all of us have family disappointments, and mine is no different.

On a positive note, I'm trying to build my relationships with other family members. I usually don't send my siblings gifts for their birthday. But this year, to help strengthen our relationships, I sent my two sisters a gift for their birthday. I know it's a small thing, but it's what I did to help with those relationships.

Spiritual– My spiritual pillar is also indeed lacking. Part of it is because I'm really not ready to attend church again. We are currently in an uptick of COVID cases where I live. And not only that, but I know at least three people who have died. They were all fully vaccinated, and one was healthy and in her late 40s. So yeah, I'm scared. And yeah, I'm not as social as I once was because of that. But I've been working on this. And I'm trying to give thanks for what I have. I've also been meditating and praying, and I've been reading my former pastor's daily emails.

Health-On the health side, I've been doing very well. If you're a regular listener, then you already know that I lost 20 pounds during COVID. I know, totally opposite of what most people did. It's been a struggle, but worth it. Because I'm lighter now, I can do more. I'm swimming once a week, I'm doing water aerobics five days a week, and synchronized swimming twice a week. I know, you think I'm probably going to turn into a fish, at least Les thinks that. In addition to all the water activities that I'm doing, I watch what I eat. However, I'm disappointed that my cholesterol is still high.

Purpose– I struggle with this and it is one of the reasons I'm still working. If I'm not working, then what is my purpose in life going to be? Is it this show? Is it doing fun things? I mean, doing fun things isn't really a purpose, is it? I don't have grandkids, so they can't be my purpose. So, until I figure it out, I'll still work because I really do enjoy helping people.

So, tell me, help me out. What's your purpose in life? Have you figured that out yet? Send me an email, at [email protected] and tell me what you're doing? What is your purpose in life?

Health Segment

For this week’s Rock Your Retirement Health Segment, I have Lynn Cherry with me. She is the host of a podcast called Pickleball Fire. As you can imagine, she talks about pickleball. Lynn moved from North Texas to Connecticut and needed to find an indoor activity to do during the winter. She went to her local gym to check out what pickleball was about. She ended up playing that day and immediately loved it!Finding Purpose in Life

It's a game very popular with people in their 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, and even 80’s

Lynn enjoyed the sport so much she ended up starting a website to grow and promote the sport. During the beginning of the pandemic in 2020, she actually started her podcast.

Among other things, Lynn talks about what pickleball is, why a lot of older people really love the sport, and how it’s played.

I asked Lynn to tell me if there was one thing that you want our listeners to learn about pickleball what would it be? She said in terms of the game if you need something to do and to get up off the couch to try pickleball. She said that it isn’t like going to the gym. It is fun, easy and she has even interviewed someone on her Podcast who lost 100 pounds by playing pickleball! So, it is definitely great exercise

If you don’t like going to the gym, or don’t have a membership to one, and would like to find a pickleball court near you, Lynn has you covered.

If you go to https://pickleballfire.com/courts you can find various places to play. And within that search feature, you can also find instructors. She said it isn’t necessary to get an instructor but if that is something you would be interested in that is another option.

Pickleball is becoming so popular that there are even restaurants that are putting in pickleball courts! You can visit https://chickennpickle.com/ to check it out

What’s is going on in Barbara’s Life?

Finding Purpose in Life We talk about Barbara’s recent trip to Mexico with her friend. There was actually a hurricane coming during her trip but thankfully, they did not get a direct hit where they were staying. Then, a few days following that, there was a devastating hurricane in Louisiana.

There was one day during her trip where she was walking by herself and just kind of asking God what's going to happen now with fall approaching. With everything shutting down, she was coming to the conclusion that she needed to cancel all of her trips and just stop planning because it's just so unpredictable.

Not having plans is difficult for Barbara. Learning to live through a pandemic is not easy and like all of us, Barbara is trying to figure out how to navigate her “new normal”

We talked about Barbara trying to find her purpose. She decided she needs to just accept and lean into this fall, that it's not going to be what she planned. But she needs to be okay with it.

Final thoughts from Barbara on Finding Purpose

It's realizing that having a plan is one thing but being able to adapt that plan to the conditions that there are at the time, not getting too attached to one specific vision. Because then you can miss the butterflies. You can miss out on what's right in front of you. Something as simple as taking a dog for a walk or taking a child for a walk. There are so many things that we tie up with entertainment. Going to a place like Disneyland or going on a cruise or going to Mexico, when really right around us there is life being lived.

There are wonderful people and there are stories to be heard. And in our zeal to program our lives to book a trip, how many times are we missing out on things that are right around us? Because we're just not looking for it? Because we're so focused on this future thing. So for me, I have no regrets about retiring. I have felt so enriched this summer, I'm so grateful. It’s kind of like get over yourself. So what if you don't get all your plan. Find something else to pivot on. Take a class, learn to paint, call a friend. It's just kind of like, say yes to life, and quit worrying about the things you don't have is the lesson I've been learning this summer.

 

To get a copy of The Baby Boomer’s 30-Day Journal go to: www.RockYourRetirement.com/Journal

To join our Newsletter visit RockYourRetirement.com/Newsletter

If you want to check out Lynn's website or podcast on pickleball you can visit https://pickleballfire.com/

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